Coolest Blog Site

My Poems (Note: Mostly copied from Medium Account)

You know, what’s the point of recording a rap song if nobody hears it? Every poem I write, I intend to show them to people. Though it is a different matter for those that are much more personal. So, I’ll give a background story. 

Well, I was born with a hearing loss in both ears. I recently had two ear surgeries that returned my hearing to normal, August 2015 and May 2016. I grew up in Fremont, bay area in California. I moved to Cary, North Carolina during the middle of my freshman year of high school, so I guess that would be 2011–2012, or something like that. It’s hard to remember. Since I moved during the middle of the freshman year, my courses were counted as 0.5 credits. So, I had to retake them in my new high school, Panther Creek High. The result was so much overwhelming homework, since I felt like retaking courses changed the kind of courses I later took depending on the difficulty of the course and because I felt like I wasted a semester. It really makes a huge difference, and could be a lot less stressful if I had that one semester in Panther Creek instead of in California. By the way, in California, the high school was on a 6 courses per year system, which was really different to North Carolina’s semester system. Ah. I barely remember anything I’ve done through all 4 years of high school but it seems I do remember emotions clearer. What I do know as a fact was that in my junior year, for almost every day, I was stressed out 24/7. I used to stay up to like usually 2 or 3am, once or twice 4am or even 5am. I wake up at 6am to go to the bus. I had to take at least a 3-hour nap after arriving at home though. Pretty vicious cycle. 

I’m going to add that even though things are much better here in college, UNCW (Currently second year, Sophomore, 19 years old, in about a 3-week break right now before 2nd sem starts); it seems I’m predisposed to have less resistance to stress compared to other people. Reminds me of this informational article I read: https://www.forbes.com/sites/travisbradberry/2016/07/14/stress-literally-shrinks-your-brain-7-ways-to-reverse-the-damage/#416097cb1812 

No wonder why I somehow found it weird and strange that it feels harder to deal with things that are not as stressful as what I experienced in high school.

And what’s annoying is that ever since I entered college, I had suicide thoughts, depression (many times I don’t even know that I’m experiencing depression), and memory loss. By the way, funnily enough, experiencing suicidal thoughts brought on the decision to take art seriously and practice enough to be able to eventually draw characters. It's been years since I've done art. I guess like those animated films, as well as being able to draw people realistically. Hmm, that is also the reason why I watch Anime in the first place...from time to time. Get inspiration from the character designs and plot and whatnot. Maybe in the far future I will draw my own Anime series and stuff. Usually, I like to watch something in the Comedy Genre. Laughing is good to de-stress. I also used to have a recurring nightmare. It's literally my suicide thoughts in physical form. Actually, it was the nightmare that made me want to draw it. I guess now I will find that I can enjoy playing horror games because of that. Lol.

Though on the subject of my memory, it is complicated. Best I can say, or basically what I was able to find out, is that it seems I have memory scrambling, and losing my train of thought. Blame losing my train of thought for the reason why I am usually unable to write down about this kinda stuff. I be like, what the heck was I gonna write about? I know it's something important but for the life of me, I don't know what. Isn't that really irritating? Also, I find that sometimes, it is strangely harder to explain something in words. Here's an example of what I mean by that. " 'I moved from CA to NC during the middle of freshman semester at high school and had to retake classes.' 'I transferred high schools from CA to NC, middle of my first year, and had to retake classes.' " So, do you see the difference? I'm gonna end up saying it's harder to form more sophisticated thoughts, but I don't know if I'm saying it right. Lol. Oh, here's another example in the form of a good-bye. " 'Hey [friend] I gotta be going now. See you later.' 'Hey [friend] I gotta go now. See you later.' " See the  difference? Honestly, I wonder sometimes if I really have control of my thoughts or not. That good-bye example did happen around the first week of this month, December. After saying the long version and leaving, I was like, why did I say that? I should've just said "I gotta go now." or something like that. Oh by the way. I don't remember my past. Like pretty much my childhood and high school? Zada, Zip, nothing. Well if I do try, I get very vague stuff. So vague that it still amounts to nothing. Remembering faces? I'm seeing blank expressions, like when you make a blank expression, no eyes, no mouth, no anything on an Anime character. Also, I'm getting blanks about my past. Imagine it as a timeline, then convert it to sound, or frequency or whatever. I'm literally getting something like this: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm   mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Like when you keep holding the phone up after someone ended a call. Isn't it kinda sad? It's almost like I have no past.

 Well, this year I think it got worse. It is harder to retain new memories and remember specifics, like specific descriptive words or something. I really don’t know. One thing I noticed about my body is that “it thinks it needs to stay up late to survive” or something like that. It’s not my fault I "conditioned" myself to do that in high school. I never wanted any of this in the first place. It’s really not fair, just saying.

Well, that’s it. I will post some of these poems, which may be really depressing. By the way, I absolutely hate typing walls. Oh feel free to check out my poems here:  https://denniswq9172-poems.blogspot.com